Friday, February 02, 2007

Letter to Newcastle United Jets FC.

Dear Newcastle,

May I bring to your attention a post of mine titled 'Muaha-haha-hahahaha.' It was quite apparent that your teams lacks the skill of time-wasting, especially once you were 2-0 up and needed to kill 20 minutes of game time. Start with those nine tips, and here I give you more.

Tip #1 in the original post was related to throw ins.
...he who takes the throw in should distract himself talking to his team-mates attempting to position them and avoiding the retrieval of the ball.
You could also avoid taking throw ins by turning your backs to the ball that has gone out. There is a better way to describe what I am saying, but I can't find it in English. And so, to Nick Carle and Milton Rodriguez, "Tenes que mudarse de ese lugar. ¡Ahora - afuera!" (Tip #10)

Tip #2 in the related to goalkeepers avoiding the collection of the ball for goal-kicks.
...the 'keeper should waste time by yelling at his defenders about whatever... Then the 'keeper can go get the ball.
Alternately, you can avoid getting the ball altogether. Hear what I said Ante Covic? Too many times the ball would be shot wide and you'd automatically turn in that direction! Slow down, back up and take a few steps the other way, and proceed go around the goal to collect the ball. (Tip #11) You could also grab a drink from your bottle under the goals as you go around, moisten your gloves a bit with the water, wipe them down if you *accidentally* put too much water on. (Tip #12)

I did, however, want to commend your ball-boys for having two balls on the pitch. Quite liked that one, and whether it was intentional or not, the ball-boys deserve a gold star. And some alcohol. In fact, if you really wanted to have fun, you could've had players return both balls to the sidelines, so there was no ball to play with. Ball-boys then become over eager and throw three balls onto the pitch (from seperate ball-boys of course), and the balls must not be directed at players. That way players can waste time collecting the balls and passing them back out to the sidelines (or for a cute touch, hand them over to the ball-boy and ruffle his hair). Or ball-girls. Or ball-kids. Whatever. (Tip #13)

My final timewasting tip is probably the only completely legal one, and perhaps does not fit with my 'timewasting tips.'

When the ball is in play, don't be wasteful. Don't attempt stupid shots that go directly (and quickly) to the oppostion. Don't shoot from range so that Bolton immediately has the ball. Play the ball to your Newcastle team-mates, I know you can as you have the most fluid game in the league. But don't play with Mickey Mouse passes so that the ball never reaches its target/your team-mate, and is consequently easily intercepted. You need to make the opposition win the ball on their own merits, and you need not directly pass the ball to them.

When you're putting in crosses, and they keep going to the 'keeper, change them a bit. The original approach is clearly not working if it happens two times in succession. Don't keep trying it another 50 times. It's still not going to work.

Best of luck next weekend.*

Your biggest Melbourne-supporting and Queensland-following Newcastle fan.

*Luck is only given on the condition that Melbourne win on Sunday night.


watt said...

:D did you post this letter in the Jets forum?

john said...

of course fans of the other team sometimes fail to see the funny side ;)