Sunday, December 31, 2006

Muaha-haha-hahahaha

Firstly, thanks to Shieldsy for giving Leijer (and Thompson) their required yellow cards. I hope you have a happy new year!

Secondly, Melbourne, you need to learn the art of time-wasting.
  1. When the ball goes out for your throw in, he who takes the throw in should distract himself talking to his team-mates attempting to position them and avoiding the retrieval of the ball.
  2. Similarly, when the ball goes out for a goal-kick, the 'keeper should waste time by yelling at his defenders about whatever - how poorly they were defending, demands on why they weren't marking, or arranging his players. Then the 'keeper can go get the ball.
  3. This is a particular favorite of mine, and it works well when there are no ball-boys, such as at Blue Tongue (where there are minimal ball-boys due to the size of the stadium). Take your sweet time collecting the ball. I don't mean walking over to get it, I mean jog over. But that type of jog where you look like you're trying hard to get back, but it would've been faster to walk.
  4. Another favorite of mine is a goal-kick related one. After establishing that your defender will start taking goal-kicks, the 'keeper should retrieve the ball as per tip #3, and hand it over to the hands of the defender. Tell the defender not to kick the ball until the 'keeper is back under the goals, and you may be able to get away with some random pointing before this, as if to suggest to the defender where he should deploy the ball to.
  5. I am also a fan of finding unsavoury patches on the pitch, and trying to place the ball somewhere unstable before a free-kick/goal-kick. The ball will then roll off, and you have to replace it. Apologise to your team-mates, and when it happens again (as it will), you then pretend to act flustered, place it nearby and then kick it.
  6. If you find yourself under pressure and in need of kicking the ball out, make sure you kick it high and far. I've had a lot of fun with this one, where my team was protecting a very slim lead, and we ended up making use of the high fence on one of the sides of the pitch. After kicking all three balls out, we wasted time by acting dumb and making the other team get the balls for us. We then continued to kick them over. Very funny indeed, however only applicable in the A-League if your fans are in on the 'joke' and hide the balls.
  7. Boot laces. Enough said.
  8. Another 'keeper one - fiddle with your gloves.
  9. If you decide to feign an injury wait until a stretcher comes out, and leave the pitch on it.
Alright, I think that's enough time-wasting tips for the moment. Most of these I've used quite happily and I'm yet to get a yellow. But that's women's football and the naivety of the referees we tend to get. I do believe that they're applicable to football in general, although perhaps they cannot be flaunted as readily as I have been able to.

Also, related to the crowd at Blue Tongue, my dad pointed out the high numbers of women at the match. I agreed that the percentage of spectators that were women seemed high compared to other matches, so a bit of an applause for the Mariners.

Onto the goalkeeping at Melbourne Victory. Sure, Theo drives me insane with his lack of confidence, but Galekovic is very late, especially with high balls. I'm really not sure who's worse, but I'd be happy if we signed Necevski.

5 comments:

wayne said...

Somebaody sign this professional up!

Scary Monkey said...

Oh, in addition to #9 - if the stretcher carriers are in on it, they could drop you before you leave the pitch.

Hamish said...

This is a precious post. Bookmarked for future reference.

wayne said...

the addition to #9 cracks me up...you can see foxtel replay in slow-mo, then reverse slow-mo, then repeat for five or six times, and of course the game wouldnt be allowed to start again until they had finished- wetre on foxtel time remember :)

Scary Monkey said...

the addition to #9 cracks me up...you can see foxtel replay in slow-mo, then reverse slow-mo, then repeat for five or six times

Imagine the number of Graham Poll awards (previously known as the Bowyer-Dyer award) you could win!

Should my knee stop bothering me, I may start playing again. Should I obtain some patience, I may give coaching a go. Imagine the terrible influence I'd be on any football-youths I'd end up coaching. Either way, keep a look-out for more timewasting techniques in the future.

Hamish, let me know if the Terrorists end up using any of them, and how they went.

Most of these I've used quite happily and I'm yet to get a yellow.

I haven't got a red either, in case you're wondering. I know it'd be unlikely, but the refs I've had have, in general, been s#%t. Sure, I've fouled, conceded free-kicks and penalties... but the only yellow I have ever received was for a slide tackle in futsal. Apparently you're not allowed to.