Fan Letters

It's been a while since I've posted some fan letters - I checked my older ones, I did have to laugh at myself when re-reading the one to Newcastle about how to waste time. But today, something a little more serious. Not that time wasting isn't serious, but...

Dear Mr Pasfield
Your yelling is quite annoying - it's high-pitched, panicky and there's an awful lot of it.

No wonder your defenders don't listen to you! Their eardrums must've burst by now.

If not, perhaps they've taken a preventative measure. So the lesson here is too much yelling and they don't want to listen to you. A bit like Ben Kennedy has experienced. Have a chat to him about it - but please don't yell during this conversation.

Although your yell does provide an endless source of amusement when one tries to mimic it.

Regards

- Cecilia
Your biggest yell mimic (and yes, I'm annoying too).

Dear Mr Langerak
If you were a little older I would have undoubtedly already written to you by now - you're such a cheeky little cutie. :) Add your baby face and you really seem illegal.

However, cheekiness and cuteness aside, please learn how to use your body properly. I'm not convinced that that ball you were "shielding" from Brockie was actually out. I suspect that you were in punching distance of the assistant referee and we all know that you really are all limbs. You're kinda like a daddy long legs, but with only four legs. Although two are arms.

So, at training this week, try and have a chat to Carlos. I say try, because I have no idea if he actually speaks English yet. Try playing Charades if the talking thing fails. Though with your long limbs, he may mistake you for a John Cleese/Frank Woodly type and laugh himself silly.

Why Carlos? He is very good at using his (ample) body for shielding and protecting the ball. Get him to show you how he uses his body to shield the ball. It mainly involves sticking your arse out and creating space.

If Carlos offers to take the training further, please be careful. He does have an ample body, and we know he loves chicken, La Ionica chicken. So if you end up at his place for dinner, stick to the breast.

You don't need a big arse to stick it out and create space. I wouldn't want that cute little face of yours ruined by excess fats.

Regards

- Cecilia
Your biggest "Awwwwwwwww he's so cute!" gusher.

Dear Mr Vargas
I hate deflections. Please stop trying to do too much so that you don't make proper conduct and the ball follows some random trajectory that even Charlie Eppes couldn't figure out - and he's good at making sense of nothing. I've seen him on TV, so it must be true.

You're also quite slow and a poor marker. No wonder Daal got the better of you. Not to mention previous North Queensland attacks seem to have gotten through due to your inability to mark and/or read the game. Sure sure, the goal happened because of a wayward Leijer pass (intentional, so Charlie might have been able to calculate it), but Daal needed to be better marked.

Also, please don't collect silly yellow cards. The only reason one should collect one is when you've made a serious tackle. Not because you feel like arguing. He's the ref. He has cards. He'll always win. Unless it's Delovski - he seems a bit soft on the cards.

Regards

- Cecilia
A paid-up Melbourne Victory member for quite a few years now.

Another letter to Newcastle United Jets FC.

Dear Newcastle,

Me again.

Sort out your distribution from the back!

It's the most frustrating thing to watch you do. You win the ball in defence and then blindly kick it to your midfield. Except that there was no midfield as Mr Perpetual (Joel Griffiths) hurt himself in the warm-up! So every single ball was intercepted by Sydney.

No, that's giving Sydney far too much credit. They didn't intercept it, you wrapped it up in pretty paper with a big bow and gave the ball to them - sealed with a kiss. So Sydney have the ball and then apply more pressure on your defence. Awful! Think about where the ball is going!

Also, you were chopping Juninho down far too much. Bloody play the ball instead of being hackers. That is all.

Best of luck next weekend.*

-Cecilia
Your biggest Melbourne-supporting, Central Coast-following, ex-Queensland-following Newcastle fan.

*The way Central Coast are going, you'll need it.

P.S. It's just come to my attention that the last letter I wrote was also after a match against Sydney. Coincidence, or something far scarier?

Letter to Graham Arnold

It's half-time. It's the first time I've watch Australia in the Asia Cup. I'm very upset and frustrated. So I've decided to write a letter.

Dear Graham,

Could you please stop giving instructions throughout the whole match. It's quite annoying to listen to as an outsider, I can only imagine how the players feel. You're not letting them play their own game, so they seem to be playing a 'stale' kind of match.

I am also unhappy with the players' fitness. I recall Guus had them whippet-thing. Now I see tummies showing under the green and gold.

Best of luck in the second half,

Cecilia
(a concerned fan)

Letter to Newcastle United Jets FC.

Dear Newcastle,

May I bring to your attention a post of mine titled 'Muaha-haha-hahahaha.' It was quite apparent that your teams lacks the skill of time-wasting, especially once you were 2-0 up and needed to kill 20 minutes of game time. Start with those nine tips, and here I give you more.

Tip #1 in the original post was related to throw ins.
...he who takes the throw in should distract himself talking to his team-mates attempting to position them and avoiding the retrieval of the ball.
You could also avoid taking throw ins by turning your backs to the ball that has gone out. There is a better way to describe what I am saying, but I can't find it in English. And so, to Nick Carle and Milton Rodriguez, "Tenes que mudarse de ese lugar. ¡Ahora - afuera!" (Tip #10)

Tip #2 in the related to goalkeepers avoiding the collection of the ball for goal-kicks.
...the 'keeper should waste time by yelling at his defenders about whatever... Then the 'keeper can go get the ball.
Alternately, you can avoid getting the ball altogether. Hear what I said Ante Covic? Too many times the ball would be shot wide and you'd automatically turn in that direction! Slow down, back up and take a few steps the other way, and proceed go around the goal to collect the ball. (Tip #11) You could also grab a drink from your bottle under the goals as you go around, moisten your gloves a bit with the water, wipe them down if you *accidentally* put too much water on. (Tip #12)

I did, however, want to commend your ball-boys for having two balls on the pitch. Quite liked that one, and whether it was intentional or not, the ball-boys deserve a gold star. And some alcohol. In fact, if you really wanted to have fun, you could've had players return both balls to the sidelines, so there was no ball to play with. Ball-boys then become over eager and throw three balls onto the pitch (from seperate ball-boys of course), and the balls must not be directed at players. That way players can waste time collecting the balls and passing them back out to the sidelines (or for a cute touch, hand them over to the ball-boy and ruffle his hair). Or ball-girls. Or ball-kids. Whatever. (Tip #13)

My final timewasting tip is probably the only completely legal one, and perhaps does not fit with my 'timewasting tips.'

When the ball is in play, don't be wasteful. Don't attempt stupid shots that go directly (and quickly) to the oppostion. Don't shoot from range so that Bolton immediately has the ball. Play the ball to your Newcastle team-mates, I know you can as you have the most fluid game in the league. But don't play with Mickey Mouse passes so that the ball never reaches its target/your team-mate, and is consequently easily intercepted. You need to make the opposition win the ball on their own merits, and you need not directly pass the ball to them.

When you're putting in crosses, and they keep going to the 'keeper, change them a bit. The original approach is clearly not working if it happens two times in succession. Don't keep trying it another 50 times. It's still not going to work.

Best of luck next weekend.*

-Cecilia
Your biggest Melbourne-supporting and Queensland-following Newcastle fan.

*Luck is only given on the condition that Melbourne win on Sunday night.

Letter to Fox Sports

Dear Fox Sports,

I would like to make a complaint about the commentary offered by two of you employees - Andy Harper and Michael Cockerill.

I find that should Sydney be playing a match, the commentary offered by this duo is often biased towards Sydney - which seems to be their hometown. It is almost as frustrating to listen to as some of the English commentators with Manchester United.

Secondly, Harper carries on and on and on at times. He needs to take a leaf out of the Simon Hill/Robbie Slater pairing. The make commentary when necessary, and each of them do not speak for longer than 10-15 seconds. I can't tell you how long Harper speaks for, as I have resulted to the use of the mute button on my remote control.

In last night's Perth vs. Newcastle match, Vaughn Coveny received a yellow card for "diving/simulation" in the box. Poor decisions by referees are out of Harper's and Cockerill's hands (how a ref can not expect a player to fall over when he's made contact with the 'keeper defies the law of physics... even if he didn't want to award the penalty, he could have let the play go on - no penalty and no yellow card.) However, Cockerill applauded the referee's decision. Solely because he believed that by booking Coveny, it was a step in the right direction in the fight against simulation, even if in this case it was the wrong decision. Harper did do the right thing, admitted that he too had though Coveny had dived, realised he was wrong, and expressed his concern at the stance taken by Cockerill. Even after replays showed that Coveny had to fall down due to his collision with Tommich, Cockerill did not seem to change his mind, or admit that he could have been wrong.

I also wish the express some concern about some of the figures of speech from Cockerill.

1. When the referee booked Colosimo and showed him a yellow card, Cockerill said that the referee had given the player a yellow card. This implied that the ref no longer had the yellow card, or maybe he carries a few on him, so by giving Colosimo one it doesn't really affect the referee.
2. Bridge came off for Rodriguez promted Cockerill to make comments that could imply that van Egmond was a cheat, as he had "an ace up his sleeve."
3. There was another comment, which made absolutely no sense, as it used a negative term to explain something positive. It's slipped my mind now, but rest assured that in the future I will write down all Cockerill-isms and express my concern over them.

Meanwhile, keep up the otherwise good work - maybe don't get too carried away with replays. The Newcastle penalty taken by Carle was missed as a result of replay over-enthusiasm and we had to watch the penalty as a replay.

Yours sincerely,

Scary Monkey (a.k.a. Cecilia)